Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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