Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
