alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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