Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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