my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
