I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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