and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
