I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
