I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
