The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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