I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
