onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
