OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
