And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
