woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
