We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
