R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
