the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
