I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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