I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
