meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
