respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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