im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
