I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
