I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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