I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
