that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
