The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Randomize
