you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
