if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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