His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
