party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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