Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He passed out mid-signature
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think your dad took our porno
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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