i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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