I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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