Cold hands, warm shart.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
