Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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