Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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