I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
