you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Randomize
