Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
