After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
