I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
