i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
