I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
