Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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