I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
