Screwed.edu
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
