I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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