if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
