my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it because I queefed?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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