Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
