You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
