Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
