Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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